Tuesday, October 15, 2013

You can't go home again...Well not without the new tenant thinking your crazy

As some of you know my mother passed away this summer.  This was especially hard because we were always very close in a special and unusual way.  It was always just her and I.  Not having her around has been harder than I ever imagined.  I know I am still early in the grief process but it has been very easy to just pretend that she was over in her little apartment and we just haven't talked for a few days.  Strangely the other day when I was passing the road to her apartment I had an over whelming feeling to go it and visit my childhood home.  See we moved into this apartment almost 33 years ago when I was just 5 years old so all of my childhood memories are incased in those walls.  When she passed it was the task of emptying the place and getting out so we wouldn't have to keep paying rent.  After the last load was gone I walked away and haven't went back...until yesterday.  I parked in my usual spot and walked up to the door and knocking, having no idea what I was going to say if and when someone opened.  I stood there for what seemed like forever noticing all the changes that had taken place already to the exterior of the house.  Finally a man open the door a crack and said very bewildered "can I help you."  I started with "ok this is going to be very strange to you but I need to do this so just bare with me."  I then explained that this was my mother's apt and my childhood home and I needed to do this to get some closure.  I talked for about 15 minutes about our life there and how I hoped his family would get even 1/2 as much out of it as we did.  By the end of the conversation he had canceled the restraining order opened the door (the whole way) and was very pleasant to talk to.  Point is this will never be my home again.  I will never walk thru that door and see me mom but those memories will live in me forever and seeing that someone else has made it their own really does give me closure to this.  I felt like the book was done when I walked away several months ago but now it has a back cover.